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Holiday Stress With Past Trauma

Once again, I’m writing hoping it can benefit others who can relate. The holidays have always sucked, in my opinion. I never could fully enjoy Christmas with how much giant corperations drain their employees and the commercial aspects overriding the best parts. I usually will make a donation or a few and go about my business, as I enjoyed giving back and the amount of kindness that flows with this time of year. Now that I’m older, I realize the holidays meant something deeper for me that I hadn’t taken time to process and that’s the direction I’m going with this post.

Every Christmas Eve we’d go to my grandpa’s house (my father’s father) where his siblings and my father’s siblings in state would congregate every Christmas. It was the same thing every year. Leading up to Christmas Eve my father would be overly stressed which would cause him to lash out and be set off at the smallest things. We could get smacked for the smallest things and then expected to smile afterwards because appearances and such. It was dreadful to know that this time of year was going to bring walking on eggshells while everyone you loved was also lashed out at and feeling powerless to stop it or even help (including my clearly stressed out father. I was aware enough to recognize his emotional pain too.)

Covid-19 has brought a different tone this year. I cut off communication with my father last year just before Christmas. It was awkward and the guilt, dread, and options weighing in my head were endless. This year is the opposite. Quarantine and isolation have made a great blanket to not attending this year and I’m more at peace. Would I love to see the others that reside in that house? Absolutely. More than anything. I do miss them BUT I think having a legitimate reason to step back this year and really process everything has helped me so much. I realized I didn’t hate this time of year as much as I thought I did. I hated what came with it. To see the commercial aspects override it and get little peace and comfort from family in my own home growing up and how much it impacted me really opened my heart to the holiday. I’m not religious so I celebrate kindness, the winter season, and giving when I can.

So my husband and I are alone this year. No family, just us and I am so relieved. I know a lot of us are alone this holiday season. Please remember that if you’re feeling alone, you are loved. Please do not hesitate to even reach out to me for someone to talk to. I’m not a therapist and can only offer friendship but I wanted to throw the offer out there. Not everybody has processed their traumas and feelings yet or are working on it and that’s okay. Either way, I’m here for y’all and I’m so thankful to have such an amazing support system and that y’all take the time to even bother reading little ol me’s thoughts and rants. 😊

Happy holidays 🖤

2020

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