I’ve never ever really opened up about this aspect. It’s an idea that was shunned in my home growing up to an extent. It’s confusing but I’m going to try. I am non-binary. My father has conservative views on gender identity. I have always been and felt different… Since I can remember (which is before my youngest sibling was born). The best way I can explain what I’m like… I see myself as neither male or female. I can be masculine or feminine but I don’t think intentionally or directly which one I want to be. I don’t even remember I having my lady parts unless they’re affecting me, weird to hear for some.. right? Let’s start diving.
At a VERY young age I PROTESTED wearing dresses. I fought until I got to an age where my mom couldn’t fight me to get dressed anymore so she FINALLY gave up slowly but surely. It took almost all my life for my mom to fully let go of the little girl she expected to have and my father and I have NEVER discussed this. I wanted short hair since I can remember too but I was NOT allowed to cut my hair above the shoulders even well past 18 but because I lived at home they called the shots. I distinctly remember it being the early 90s and riding by our local ice cream store/putt putt golf place down the street from ours and I saw 3 people wearing all black, piercings, tattoos, mohawks, etc and fell in love. I’ve been obsessed with the style since. In elementary school I begged my mom relentlessly for years to change my name. I didn’t want a last or middle name just one singular name. I gave up when “we’ll discuss it when you’re older” became “when you’re an adult you can do as you please”. It felt disappointing and as if my parents would only accept me if I was the me they thought I was/should be.
As I got older the urge got stronger. I was clearly into way more boys stuff than girls. I remember having a sleep over with my cousin and opening up to her about not “feeling like a girl” but when asked “do you feel like a boy?” I had no answer. I didn’t feel like either. I felt like a soul and this body is just a “mechanical” shell for that soul but how was preteen me able to explain this? I couldn’t. my cousin held her hand up and asked me to do the same and said “see? Your hand hangs like mine and it’s very feminine.” Well, how could I argue that? I didn’t know how or understand. I had no one to turn to to talk about these things and anytime I tried, scenarios like this happened constantly… To discredit me and to reassure themselves that their perception of me isn’t tainted. It was lonely.
Teenage years got better. The first person I really looked up to as a teen for my gender identity was P!nk. She had short hair and didn’t take crap. She wasn’t Britney Spears or Christina aguilera and as just as an obscure popstar as I was an undiagnosed non-binary autistic female. I remember being mad I wasn’t allowed to play football. I still had to have long hair but I felt like I embraced that more as a teenager. I got to wear all black (no piercings though cept when I pierced my lip in class with a thumb tack like an idiot and had that a couple of days… DO NOT DO THIS, BTW. IT HURTS AND LEAVES A HORRID SCAR. SAVE YOURSELF) and I got to dye my hair this nice burgundy color. Dating was weird. I was too independent and masculine for most guys my age (I was one of the guys but didn’t put up with their shit either) and was intimidating. I had a few girl crushes but they never went anywhere mainly out of judgement.) I felt like the girls embraced my true self at this age more than the guys.. where I basically expected to… Act like one of the guys. It was confusing and draining. But I got through it. I remember watching Constantine and seeing Tilda Swinton as Gabriel for the first time when I was like 15 or so. This was the first moment I’d ever been in awe to see someone who represented how I felt internally and physically representing that flawlessly and who I desperately wanted to be like on the outside. It’s how I felt.. who this person inside me is despite the shell I’m in.
Pregnancy. That’s such a weird concept when you truly think about it. A tiny human grows from something so small you cant see it with your eye into a whole baby. Incredible.. and I got to experience it. It wasn’t planned at all but I welcomed it just as I did everything else that came into my life.. unexpectedly or not. I remember feeling him move for the first time. Pregnancy felt weird. I didn’t feel like it was MY body going through the changes despite there being quite obvious mental, hormonal, physical changes. It’s so hard to explain. Plus with so many other things going on it’s really hard to paint the whole picture of what pregnancy was like. Even when they cut my son out of me, the reality of “this is happening to me. My body. I have the uterus that grew this beautiful baby” but I couldn’t understand it or fully wrap my head around the gravity of that entire experience. I’ll go more into this in another blog.
Now, we get to the last 11 years or so. I’ve had peace. I’ve cut my hair into a mohawk with 9 or so piercings and plenty of tattoos. I’m happily married to my husband, whom I adore. Our sex life is fantastic and probably fairly average and not as weird as I assume most would think when they read this. (I might be wrong, idk. Never opened up about this or me like this before). My husband is very accepting and embracing of my gender especially only getting answers as to what it’s called and finding out others had other experiences in the last 5 years or so and we’ve been together for almost 16 years. As of right now, I still haven’t settled on a singular name (but Im trying to go by Valkyrie so I can still go by my actual name for a short version and it’s easy for me and them… for the time being while I think on it more and it’s okay if I change my mind) but it’s still a desire I have so I’ve accepted and embraced the singular name concept, something that was shunned a loooong time ago and forgotten about… Finally embraced and it feels so nice and relieving.
I could point out my masculine traits all day and I still think my dad would deny me or say it’s made up or dismiss it with something. He won’t see how masculine (or unfeminine) I was. Sadly, I was not a planned child and my parents wanted a boy. My youngest sibling was born male and my dad spent so much time focusing on how masculine my male born sibling wasn’t that he didn’t see the masculine son was there all along.
At this point, I’m beyond trying to prove myself. Whoever can see me how they want nor do they have to understand me because I’m done trying to explain and justify myself. I FINALLY understand myself and it’s sooooo relieving to have validation and it’s just one more aspect this lonely soul discovered about themselves as an adult that’s been super incredible and helpful. Would it have beneficial for me to have answers and support sooner? Absolutely. It would’ve helped my confidence problems at the least, I think. Maybe someday my dad and I can have this conversation… But right now we need to get past giving thumbs up responses when I send a 150 lb weight loss update to him. I’ll keep y’all updated but don’t keep up hope anything positive or good will happen.. which is something else I’m slowly coming to peace with. We will save that for another time though.
#nonbinary #gender #genderidentity #neurodiversity #adhd #autistic #actuallyautistic #lgbtq #neurodivergent #thoughts #blog #blogging